The Untold Secrets of the Cullens and Bella
by amused-cat23
Summary: This is the published work of a long running joke between my friend and I. Mind you, this is absolutely not to be taken seriously, as it is a joke.
1. Chapter 1

This is a joint fanfic between my friend Marissa and me. This is based on a long running joke between us! Please note that is is done to be very funny, so don't take it seriously! Enjoy and comment!

**Chapter 1-**

Bella was sitting in her room, listening to Melissa Ethridge and thinking about Megan Fox when Edward climbed in through the window.

"BELLAAAA! Why are you being such a bitch to me?"

Bella rolled her eyes. Edward was being a whiney little pussy again.

"Edward," she replied in her deep man voice. "I already told you. Angela, Jessica and I are going to have a threesome- er, see a movie this afternoon. Go play with someone else."

"But Bellaaaaa," Edward complained in his whiney little bitch voice. "We haven't fucked in like two weeks! Bella, get on my penis!"

Just then, Carlisle climbed in the room through the window. His hair was windswept, and he was completely naked.

Bella looked at him in disbelief.

"Carlisle, what the fuck are you doing in my room? I told you that you are never allowed back in my room after I caught you trying to get Edward on your penis. And where are your clothes?"

Carlisle totally ignored Bella. "Edward, I want you to get on my penis. Now. A polar bear just ripped off all my clothes, so I think it's a sign that we should fuck."

Edward stomped his foot like a whiney little bitch. "CARLISLE! I told you not to bother me! I don't want to get on your penis! I want Bella to get on mine!"

"But Edward," Carlisle replied in his slightly less whiney, but very similar to Edward's voice voice. "Bella is a roaring dyke. She likes to eat beavers, not penises. So you should get on my penis, Edward! Bella's a butch lesbian!"

Bella was livid, and in her gruff man voice, yelled, "CARLISLE! WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU COME OFF SAYING THAT I AM GAY? YOU ARE SUCH A FLAMING FAG THAT LIBERACHI WOULD TELL YOU TO STOP GAYING UP THE PLACE!"

There was spittle hanging off of Bella's girl-stache, and quite frankly, she looked like a boner killer. Edward and Carlisle collectively cringed.

"You really fuck that? I'm so sorry." For once, Edward agreed with Carlisle.

Just then, the door bell rang.

"Oop, that's for me. I can't wait to eat those girls out, um… I mean, I can't wait to see that stupid romantic comedy with them… And totally masturbate to Katherine Hegel. I mean, eat pussy. Um, I mean popcorn. Masturbate to popcorn! Yeah…"

She ran out the door with a brief "Bye Eddy".

Like a little bitch, Edward stomped his foot. "OMG! She soooo knows that I hate it when she calls me Eddy! It is totes hip and cool to be called by your whole name. I read it in Cosmopolitan!"

A sly smile spread across Carlisle's face. "I read that fucking a man in the ass with your penis is the best way to "drive him wild" in last month's Cosmopolitan. Edward, do you want me to drive you wild?"

In a very whiney bitch way, Edward screamed, "NO CARLISLE! I don't want to get on your penis!"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Bella stomped down the stairs in her Birkenstocks. How dare Edward call her a lesbian; everyone knew you couldn't be a lesbian if you had a boyfriend! Some people were just stupid, she guessed. As her mother always said, "The only thing you can do about stupid people is kill them or move to Canada," and she most certainly did _not_ want to walk around saying 'eh' all the time. That was never cute.

When she answered the door, it was Alice's manic-pixie face that greeted her. "Where the hell are Angela and Jessica?" Bella said in her calmest voice.

"They're in my stomach… I mean…" Alice and Bella shared a soulful look, "_Vermont"_.

"Oh, right, _Vermont_, I forgot," Bella totes understood what the fuck was going on.

"I thought you might like to go to… the movies. With me," Alice's eyelashes were fluttering wildly and her whole body screamed, "If you play your cards right you are totes getting some of this pussy."

"YES! I mean, yes," Bella's man-palms were sweaty and shaky and her whole body was just generally freaking out. This was going to be the best Night EVER!

Later, Bella and Alice sat in the movie theater. Alice had a super-jumbo-popcorn sitting on her itty-bitty lap, and she and Bella were sharing a Coke©. Bella was into the awesome-sauce movie playing in front of her, but even Katherine Heigl couldn't distract her from the way Alice kept stretching and pressing her breasts out. That, of course, meant she wanted Bella, so she decided to make her move.

Bella gave the biggest yawn she could manage. Her left hand made the slow descent to the back of Alice's seat. The entire time, Bella was a sweaty, gross mess who looked like she'd been run over a few times. Seriously, Bella and nerves did not mix. Like, this girl should reconsider her career as a firefighter because that kind of stress would make Bella a forever-quivering ball of sweaty armpits and cold showers.

After all that, Alice didn't really seem to notice the arm. Admittedly, the all-encompassing breasts of Katherine Heigl could have been the case, but Bella had to make sure. When Alice put her hand in the popcorn bowl, Bella lowered the Coke© from her hand and slowly followed suit. Soon, their hands were right next to each other. Bella could feel the heat of the moment down to her toe-hairs.

Some philosophers have argued that the pinky is the most sensitive finger. Well, I don't know about Emmanuel Kant, but Bella would certainly agree. In the popcorn-y seas of butter, Bella's pinky finger touched Alice's. It was like a charge was sent through them both. Their eyes snapped up and they shared a lusty look filled with the promise of SEX!

"Oh, Alice!"

"Oh, Bella!"

"Oh, ALICE!"

"Oh, BELLA!"

"OH, ALICE!"

"OH, BELLA!"

They kind of flew at each other once they figured out neither would win this impromptu battle of wills. One could not spend too much time thinking of Dominance-Wars when SEX was on the table. Or in the seats.

The five-year old child in the front row just looked back at the crazies in confusion. At least he had his Coke©. ;)


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Edward and Carlisle were left in Bella's room after she stomped off. Edward became hyperaware that Carlisle was still naked and had a huge boner.

"Edwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard… Get on my penis." Carlisle said in a very seductive voice.

Edward's own penis was started to get hard, and he tried to hide it.

"Carlisle, no. I'm not gay. I love that fine lady that just left. I only like pussy!"

Carlisle walked slowly over to Edward and put on hand on his face and the other on his growing boner.

"You want me Edward. Just get on my penis, and then I'll get on yours. C'mon, it'll be fun!"

Just then, Jacob came flying through the open window. It was very difficult to startle two vampires, but he did, and Edward and Carlisle assumed attack crouches.

"Bella! I- Oh, shit, wait… Where's Bella?" Jacob was also naked. This disturbed Edward greatly.

"OMG JACOB! WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU NAKED? YOU WEREN'T PLANNING ON FUCKING MY GIRLFRIEND, WERE YOU?"

Without skipping a beat, Jacob replied, "Oh, this? Well, a polar bear tried to attack me and when we were fighting, he ripped off my clothes. He's right outside, so I was worried that he'd try to eat Bella."

Carlisle gave Edward a smug look. "I told you there was a polar bear. He ripped off my clothes as well as Jacob's, so I think that's a sign that we should all fuck."

Almost violently, Carlisle grabbed Edward's arm and pushed him towards Jacob.

"Now, boys, I want to see you guys fuck."

Edward and Jacob looked at each other in disgust.

"HELL NO, OLD MAN!" Jacob screamed.

"EEEW! GROSS! HE SMELLS YUCKY!" Edward squealed.

Carlisle ignored them and pushed their faces together until they were kissing.

"Oooh, baby! This is soooooo hot! I just want to put my penis into both of you!"

Edward and Jacob realized that kissing each other wasn't so bad, and soon, Edward found himself without clothes and on his knees in front of Jacob.

I'm sure you can guess what happened next, and if you don't, it ended with all three of them on the floor, panting like, well, dogs.

"OMG! That was totes better than sex with Bella!" Edward crooned in his bitch voice. He secretly loved it when Bella pegged him, but she didn't think he should enjoy it as much as he did. It freaked her out.

Carlisle looked happy as punch. "I knew you'd yield to me, Edward. Admit it- you were lusting after my luscious bod, weren't you?"

You'd think that after having a threesome that included fellatio, anal, felching, BDSM, cross dressing (all the women's clothes used during this part belonged to Edward) and bestiality (Jacob had transformed halfway through), Edward wouldn't be such a little bitch. Sadly, you are mistaken.

"CARLISLE! STOP IT! YOU'RE YUCKY!"

Jacob just giggled and sighed before rolling over and falling asleep. Carlisle took this as an opportunity to fondle Edward. Edward moaned like a bitch.

"You like that, don't you, you little slut!" Edward wouldn't admit it, but he loved dirty talk. His favorite was when Bella called him a Cumdumpster.

Soon enough, he became hard again, and Carlisle took advantage of him yet again.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey! Sorry I haven't updated this story for a while. I was waiting for my friend to write the next chapter, but she's been uber busy. I was dying to update, so I went ahead and wrote this. Oh! Btdubs, I wrote the 1st**** and 3****rd**** chapters. Marissa wrote the bit about Alice and Bella. We kind of decided that she'd write about the girl characters and I'd write about the men. **

**Anyhoo, please read and review! I luuuuuvs me some reviews!**

**~ Darkkite23 =^..^=**

Edward rolled over and lay in a fetal position. While he didn't need to breathe, seeing how he's a vampire, he was panting like a dog in heat. Carlisle chuckled softly and kissed him on the cheek after slapping Edward's pale ass.

"Wasn't that fantastic, Edward?" He crooned.

Edward just shivered and sobbed silently. He felt violated in so many ways. Carlisle did things that Edward didn't even know existed. Edward was bent in so many ways that he was surprised his rock hard self didn't break into a million pieces.

Carlisle stared at Edward's sparkly back. He frowned. "Jeez, Edward. You act like I raped you or something. I heard you moaning. Moaning my name and stuff like "OOH, OOOOH, stop that, OH GOD, MMMMMM!"

Edward's bitch-like sobs became more pronounced. They kinda sounded like "BOO HOO HOOOOOO!" or something equally bitch-like.

Just then, they heard a door slam. Bella was home. Carlisle grabbed Jacob (who was still asleep) and they soared out the window. Edward bolted up and put his clothes back on. Looking in Bella's mirror, he wiped off the make up and tried to fix his hair which was in a million different directions. Then, he remembered that messy hair is damn sexy, so he stopped trying to fix it. The bedroom door creaked open. Edward whirled around.

"''!"

Edward flew into Bella, knocking her over in the process.

"EDWARD!" She screamed in her man voice. "EDWARD! GEROFF ME! GEROFF ME, YOU LITTLE CUMDUMPSTER!"

She knocked him off of her and stood up, smoothing out her flannel shirt and painter's jeans. Then, she gave Edward a dirty look. "Just what the hell was that all about? You act like you were just attacked."

If Edward could cry, his eyes would've been swimming in tears. "I just missed you so much Bella! You were gone for so long!" He grabbed her by the shoulders. "NEVER LEAVE ME AGAIN! I FORBID YOU TO LEAVE ME!"

Bella sighed and ducked out from his grip. "You need to get on your big girl panties and stop being such a bitch. I was only gone for three or so hours. Not that long. Besides… You should get used to me not being around. I've decided that I am a lesb- MORMON. Yep, that's me. Bella the Mormon."

Edward gaped at her in shock. "B-bella… No… WHY, BELLA? WHYYYYYYYYYYY?" At that point, he had dropped to his knees and was yelling at the heavens. The only more cliché thing that could've happed would be for rain to start falling.

Silly. It can't rain inside. Everyone knows that.


End file.
